0723

I’ve read this blog post [http://www.candymag.com/candy-feels/from-our-readers-to-the-guy-who-came-back-src-ugc?utm_source=Facebook-Candy&utm_medium=Ownshare&utm_campaign=20170723-fbnp-feels-came-back-fbold] and realized that it was just like me, years ago. The moment he came back again. It was the same feeling I had, but in the end, I still chose him.

 

 

But now, it wasn’t the same. We still part in separate ways.

 

We’ve been acting like strangers again.

 

I, myself dunno how to approach him. But at the same time, he also didn’t. And those feelings were crushing me like there’s no tomorrow. I dunno what to feel anymore. I keep on comforting myself that I was the one who chose for us to be this way, that I shouldn’t be acting like this. That I should be okay.

 

But at the moments like this, when I keep on searching for a friend who understands and listen to all my rants, I knew I needed him. I knew he’ll do great. I knew I’ve missed him.

 

 

But it’s all goodbyes now. I keep on re-reading my past blogs about him and it hurts me more. On how the transition happened.

 

This blog post is a reminder to myself, that I shouldn’t be staying like this anymore. I should and would move forward. And to not wait.

0508

After several months, I am here again. But this time, not to rant about something, sharing stories that inspired me, and I know, will inspire others.

 

There’s so many things going on in my life recently. Some were just going overboard that I kept on thinking and praying about it every night. Family. Family problems. I know that those circumstances really come to our life but this time, it’s just wrong timing. I’ve been asking God for provision for the upcoming youth camp on our church. I know that I really need that to empower and to seek Jesus more. I’ve been keeping money but those circumstances came that I almost lost hope in pre-registering my slot for the camp. Until the deadline came, and my leader said that someone will pay for our pre-reg fees. God used her as an instrument for the both of us. I almost cried thinking that I really lost hope.

 

Then, there’s the full payment deadline came, I was worried when my scholarship money will be given to me by the 3rd week of May, which means, I will not be able to pay the full amount for the camp. But with the help of the Intramuros Team, we were able to conduct fund raising for this camp. We sell books, artworks and even clothes. Some of the leaders in our team completed their payment on the exact deadline. At first, I was not afraid. Because I believe that God will extend the deadline. I claimed it to God. We tried to talk with the organizers and they even said that it was really due that day. And I kept on praying. ‘God, is it really what you wanted?’ I even lost strength and just went home to overcome this sadness.

 

And that’s it. The deadline extended for a week. This date. May 8. I’ve been asking God for whatever His decision is. And last Thursday, I made a decision. Where I will just focus on my Vweek first, and will give the pre-reg fee to my leader, so she will be able to complete the payment. ‘Cause I know that they will not extend anymore, and that I claimed that this is what God wants.

 

But I was wrong. So wrong. We shouldn’t under estimate the power of God. The power of our might Lord.

 

Ate Meg, one of the leaders on our Intramuros team, personally talked to me. She started asking what my decision is. So, I said it. I’ll give up my slot. And she said, ‘What did God say?’ I was stunned. It was me who claimed that my decision is what God’s decision for me. I really don’t know God’s answer to me yet. I was confused. I kept on holding back my tears and said. ‘That it is a NO, ate’ I choked. Is it really a, no? I explained to her why, about family problems and such. And asked me again ‘Ano ba sabi ni God?’ this time, I wasn’t able to hold back my tears. I gave up. I denied God’s answer. Whatever it is, I gave up. I told her about those circumstances again and my decision and she said, ‘Sumuko ka na agad?’ I felt like I am being shot a hundred times. It’s true. I gave up. I comforted myself as that is God’s answer but the bottom line is, I gave up.

 

At the end, Ate paid for our camp. We wasn’t able to accept that it was ‘I’ll give you’ because we wanted to pay for that but ate refused. ‘God blessed me to bless you. I’ll invest to you girls because the camp will help you empower your faith and came back as a mighty warrior.’

 

It is true that God will use people as an instrument to bless others. We shouldn’t give up in waiting God’s answer. Sometimes, God uses those different circumstances to test if you really have faith in Him. I know that I acted doubtful. It seems unfaithful for God but still, God is faithful to me. He really does amazing things at those amazing times. I thank God for giving me such wonderful people in guiding me as I walk with Him. God is forever amazing. He will do things beyond our expectation. Jesus loves surprises. He will let you realized what you’ve done, reflect and enjoy His decision.

 

0126

I’ve been typing this one in a middle of the night. I still don’t know what will I say through this but I just can’t help it. I want an outlet. And only writing will do. I can’t sleep. I still have a 7 am midterm exam tomorrow but something’s going on in my mind. I drank about 4 cups of coffee this day (because of problem sets) and I think that’s one of the reason why I can’t sleep.

 

Okay. I’ve been dreaming weird things lately. And that was actually why I am also being paranoid these days.

 

Guess what. It feels like I came back to those longing days. Those days without you. Those days that was just very disturbing. Those days where…….we didn’t even talk.

 

I don’t care if you’ll read this one day. Actually, I do wish that one time you’ll be bored and will suddenly thought of reading my blog. Cause we or you (?) don’t have time in talking at each other. Or chatting to be exact.

 

I’ve been dreaming of you. Actually it’ll be great for me but no. It’s about seeing you with another girl. I dunno that girl. Her face seems unfamiliar to me but I don’t care. It’s been on my dreams for how many nights and I think I’m going crazy thinking about it. I actually dunno what to do if ever that’ll happen. I dunno. I might be sick.

 

But yeah. I hate this feeling. I’m totally afraid that might happen but I still have this trust for you but on the other side I am thinking that, ‘hello, I am not even your girlfriend and we barely talk and I can’t remember when we actually see other like yeah’. I’ve been looking every night at my chatbox and seeing you online for hours ago and I was thinking like ‘I’ve been online for like whole day but still, you didn’t chat at me or even send stickers or hi?’

 

And every time when I was going home, I was like, looking at each side hoping that you’ll be around so that we can be together for even just few minutes but no. It’s not happening.

 

I dunno what’s happening. I guess it’s just that I miss you so bad and I hope we’ll talk (chat) to each other alot like what we used to.

 

Do well. I miss you.

1124

I started my day wrong. I woke up with the dried tears on my cheeks. I cried into frustrations last night. How will I suppose to react when my own grandma, blood related relative, will judge you like there’s no tomorrow? I’ve been hearing it all the time in 18 years, but I am still frustrated. I’ve been suffering too much. But I still hold it inside. God knows how thankful I am having you in our lives. You’re the reason why we are here even without the help of our dad. And this pain, I still can’t handle this pain. What did money do to you? You made us wrong in the eyes of our other relatives. You pinpoint every wrongs we’ve made and not even looking back with the good things we’ve done. Instead of lifting us up, you’re pulling us down. And it all because of money, all the ‘sumbat’ you have in us. After all, you’re still my grandma. You have this special space in my heart. And I don’t hate you. I am just hurting. I am continuously praying to God that he’ll change your heart. To guide you in whatever decisions you’ll make. To be there for you all the time. And eventually, to cleanse your heart. We can help each other. We can linked each other’s arms. We can do all things with God and only if we trust each other.

And these things, are the things that were always here inside of me. That cannot be seen by my friends in school or even when I am outside the house. I always try to make myself happy so that it will be a great escape for that feeling. But what frustrates me more is that, even a friend will tell you something that wasn’t even right. That even if that was a joke, all I wanted them to know is that there’s a limitation. ‘Di ka na nasanay’ that’s what they will always say. But no. This time I can’t. Time will come that I can’t bear it any longer. And suddenly a friend approached me saying that I’ve changed. How will I ever react at that one. I tried making fun but she still insists. What did I ever do wrong? You guys were one of the reasons why I did this. Okay to make things clear, you guys asked me to rebond my hair. And now that I already did, you made fun. You made me feel like I’ve really changed. You made me feel frustrated because I remember my lola opposing for what I did to my hair and repeatedly saying that ‘Kala mo kinaganda mo yan’. So I tried to stop. I prefer to be quiet and reflect on myself. I tried to be alone but you made me feel like I am being childish with what I am doing.

 

I only wanted you guys to understand. There’s always a reason behind my moodswings. I hope you reflect on yours too. I hope you’ll be sensitive. I easily get hurt. You guys don’t know the pain I’ve felt and I’ve feeling. But still, thank you for being there. I thank God for giving me such good friends. I’m sorry for being rude, not talking to you guys suddenly. I don’t have an outlet, and I don’t want to say something bad to you guys.

 

No matter how frustrated I am, I cried it all out to God. Heal me, Lord. You are my healer. I surrender all these things to Him. For He is my Lord and Saviour.

 

……

The wind is blowing
And my tears won’t stop flowing

A stronger wind came
And made my eyes water

I’m not sad
The wind just gone mad

I’m not sad
The wind kept my eyes water

Why am I crying? I asked myself
Is it really because of the wind?

You’re still the one.

🎵Looks like we made it
Look how far we’ve come, my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we’d get there someday

They said, “I bet they’ll never make it.”
But just look at us holding on
We’re still together, still going strong

(you’re still the one)
You’re still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You’re still the one I want for life
(you’re still the one)
You’re still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You’re still the one I kiss good night

Ain’t nothing better
We beat the odds together
I’m glad we didn’t listen
Look at what we would be missing

They said, “I bet they’ll never make it.”
But just look at us holding on
We’re still together still going strong

(you’re still the one)
You’re still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You’re still the one I want for life
(you’re still the one)
You’re still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You’re still the one I kiss good night

You’re still the one

(you’re still the one)
You’re still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You’re still the one I want for life
(you’re still the one)
You’re still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You’re still the one I kiss good night

I’m so glad we made it
Look how far we’ve come, my baby🎵


I love you. 🙂 ❤

Sign.

Do you believe in signs? ‘Cause I do.

I asked for a sign months ago. I knew that time will come, that sign will happen. But I didn’t expect it to become too soon. I was honestly proud because knowing you, it was impossible to happen. But no. I was so wrong.

I asked for the sign. If you’ll change that anime that you like (that we both like), well it actually means that I shouldn’t stop. But hell no. I was so so wrong. You changed. Into something, I really don’t know.

What the fck. Did I ever say that I do believe in signs?

Cause if I really do, I dunno what I am doing right now. I asked for the sign. A sign that will tell me to stop this. But no. I can’t. Even tho I locked myself through that sign, I still can’t. I can’t let you go. I can’t let go of this feelings. I won’t make that stupid sign to stop me.

But on the other side, I have no news from you. The last time we talked was so months ago. And I dunno. Maybe, that sign was a yes?

Should I stop?

Should I believe at that sign?

Will I ever be your Kurisu again, Okabe?

I miss…….

To be honest, I really wanted to express my feelings through this for a long time now. But because of some matters, I wasn’t able to. I dunno. It’s just that, I am not what I am before.

I miss my other self. The one who just loved to write and express. Not worrying anything, instead release all the stress through writing. Unlike now that I prefer to keep it into myself, until I have no more space for it and burst out. It is bad I know. But that’s what I am right now. And I really don’t like it.

I miss myself being free at home. I hated it when my grandma was comparing me into other people. Like, hello. We were not the same. She was full of doubts in me. And I think that, she has no trust in me. She didn’t know me. I wasn’t like that. I wasn’t like any other girls who will torture themselves. They knew all my friends because I want them to trust in me. She is so realistic that I almost died thinking about all the worries she had. I knew I can take care of myself. I knew what’s the best for me for them not to worry. But it seems like, they didn’t understand. They just go on, scolding me about something I wasn’t about to do.

I miss my healing time. Going out with friends, having fun, having peace. I badly need my healing time. I really need it.

I miss being cared about.

I miss my old self.

I miss writing.

I miss being with someone I can lean on.

I miss being the reason why someone laugh or smile.

And I really miss myself….