I started my day wrong. I woke up with the dried tears on my cheeks. I cried into frustrations last night. How will I suppose to react when my own grandma, blood related relative, will judge you like there’s no tomorrow? I’ve been hearing it all the time in 18 years, but I am still frustrated. I’ve been suffering too much. But I still hold it inside. God knows how thankful I am having you in our lives. You’re the reason why we are here even without the help of our dad. And this pain, I still can’t handle this pain. What did money do to you? You made us wrong in the eyes of our other relatives. You pinpoint every wrongs we’ve made and not even looking back with the good things we’ve done. Instead of lifting us up, you’re pulling us down. And it all because of money, all the ‘sumbat’ you have in us. After all, you’re still my grandma. You have this special space in my heart. And I don’t hate you. I am just hurting. I am continuously praying to God that he’ll change your heart. To guide you in whatever decisions you’ll make. To be there for you all the time. And eventually, to cleanse your heart. We can help each other. We can linked each other’s arms. We can do all things with God and only if we trust each other.
And these things, are the things that were always here inside of me. That cannot be seen by my friends in school or even when I am outside the house. I always try to make myself happy so that it will be a great escape for that feeling. But what frustrates me more is that, even a friend will tell you something that wasn’t even right. That even if that was a joke, all I wanted them to know is that there’s a limitation. ‘Di ka na nasanay’ that’s what they will always say. But no. This time I can’t. Time will come that I can’t bear it any longer. And suddenly a friend approached me saying that I’ve changed. How will I ever react at that one. I tried making fun but she still insists. What did I ever do wrong? You guys were one of the reasons why I did this. Okay to make things clear, you guys asked me to rebond my hair. And now that I already did, you made fun. You made me feel like I’ve really changed. You made me feel frustrated because I remember my lola opposing for what I did to my hair and repeatedly saying that ‘Kala mo kinaganda mo yan’. So I tried to stop. I prefer to be quiet and reflect on myself. I tried to be alone but you made me feel like I am being childish with what I am doing.
I only wanted you guys to understand. There’s always a reason behind my moodswings. I hope you reflect on yours too. I hope you’ll be sensitive. I easily get hurt. You guys don’t know the pain I’ve felt and I’ve feeling. But still, thank you for being there. I thank God for giving me such good friends. I’m sorry for being rude, not talking to you guys suddenly. I don’t have an outlet, and I don’t want to say something bad to you guys.
No matter how frustrated I am, I cried it all out to God. Heal me, Lord. You are my healer. I surrender all these things to Him. For He is my Lord and Saviour.